PLUTO REFUSES TO ABIDE BY IAU RESOLUTION;
U.S. MAY INITIATE SANCTIONS
NEOCONSERVATIVES CALLING FOR PLUTONIAN STRIKE
IF EX-PLANET REFUSES TO STAY IN ITS PROPER CATEGORY
by S. Fox,
Special to Vivarium Press
"Outside your usual news orbit"
Thursday, August 24, 2006
WASHINGTON D.C. and PRAGUE, CZECH REPUBLIC: Less than 24 hours after the International Astronomical Union declared IAU Resolution 6A, taking away Pluto's status as a full-fledged planet in our solar system, Pluto has responded that it will not only refuse to abide by the resolution but may also adopt some new eccentricities into its orbit that could bring it even closer to the inner planetary region that Earth is a part of.
"We consider this a very serious matter," said White House spokesman Tony Snow. "President Bush supports the IAU in this matter and is concerned that Pluto is continuing to pursue its planetary ambitions and acting in a way so contrary to the solar system family."
Snow stated flatly that despite Sid Hersch's recent report in The New Yorker about the Bush administration planning a pre-emptive attack on Pluto, no such military plans were in the White House's scope. However, "We have discussed sanctions against this most prominent member of the 'Orbit of Evil', and we will not hesitate to do whatever it takes to ensure that Pluto is not a threat to our national security."
Other conservatives, however, are less reassuring about a Plutonian attack being off the table for now. Yesterday William Kristol, editor of the conservative magazine The Weekly Standard, caused some controversy by declaring, "Absolutely we should attack Pluto. It is a threat to the American people as long as it continues its program of generating an entire celestial body full of dry ice and a nitrogen-filled atmosphere. Right now it loses as much nitrogen as it creates because its atmosphere isn't in equilibrium--we need to hit them before they can get their nitrogen equilibrium program up and running."
Fox News military analyst Col. David Hunt agreed. Yesterday evening he told Bill O'Reilly, "We have the New Horizons space probe we launced in January headed to Pluto as we speak. If President Bush thinks the nanorobots on the probe can inspect Pluto's nitrogen facilities successfully, then by all means do so. But we can also convert them to attack at a moment's notice and we should only talk to the Plutonians when we're blowing them out of the sky. And we can thaw that wannabe planet faster than radical liberals can say 'global warming'."
Even newshound Matt Drudge joined the fray: today's headline on The Drudge Report reads PLUTO MAY CROSS NEPTUNE'S ORBIT in oversized red letters--just above red letters outlining Tom Cruise's recent erratic behavior and firing from Paramount Pictures, subtly implying that Cruise himself (as many have theorized lately) is actually the front man of a Plutonian terrorist plot.
"We will give Pluto a chance to reconsider," President Bush said in a statement released at noon today. "But we know that Pluto hates America for our freedom of our civilized inner planetary orbit. And it has to understand how serious we are, and that we will not tolerate their nitrogen ambitions or any erratic ellipticality on their part."
Meanwhile, despite the IAU ruling and President Bush's pronouncement, a Zogby poll today shows that 87% of Americans still believe Pluto is a planet.
The IAU will revisit Pluto's solar system status at their next meeting, in 2009. Neptune could not be reached for comment by press time.