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I haven't posted one of these for a long time, so . . .
NEW HAARP OWNER CALLS EASTERN U.S. BLIZZARD
"SUCCESS IN PRIVATIZING WEATHER DOMINATION"
by S. Fox, Vivarium Press
"Weathering the ups and downs of the news business"
Ever since branching out into the climate manipulation market by purchasing the government's weather-controlling HAARP facility in Alaska last year, the Bruges, Belgium-based corporation Arztubel has been determined to dominate the Earth's weather patterns more cheaply and efficiently than the federal government could manage. Now, with the recent blizzard that dumped more than a foot of snow in many places in the Eastern U.S. all the way south to Georgia, the company believes it has hit that milestone.
According to Doug Powers, spokesman for Arztubel's American subsidiaries, the science of global climate manipulation had been severely repressed by government bureaucracy and regulations.
"Some of those standards were simply ridiculous," Powers explains. "No more than one thousand artificially generated tornadoes in the Continental United States per year, with no more than one hundred per state in any given year, except Texas, which signed a waiver in exchange for some special favors in federal oil leases on national parkland. Sooner or later that barrier becomes too restrictive for solid R&D. By buying HAARP and privatizing it, and locating our flagship headquarters overseas, we're able to work around much of that government interference."
The HAARP Research Station, built near Gakona, Alaska in 1993, contains hundreds of tower units and elements broadcasting high frequency band transmissions. Some of their uses include researching weather, facilitating experimentation in radio and microwave broadcasting, heating the ionosphere until it turns into floating plasma, rearranging and relocating storms, planting subliminal messages directly into human brains, blowing up enemy fighter jets impinging U.S. airspace, and retrieving stray decades-old radio and TV signals from outer space to prevent them from being picked up by potentially hostile aliens or copyright pirates.
The several months that HAARP was shut down starting in May 2013 due to the ownership transition, while responsible for the sharp drop in the number of hurricanes striking the U.S., proved costly to Arztubel in both money and research time.
"There's was a lot of pressure from the top down to get some quick results," Powers admits, "but we still were committed to ensuring that our work was done right, in accordance with all current Weather Domination Best Practices. When you need a hurricane to come out of the Gulf Coast and hit Florida, for instance, it's very embarrassing to have it swing around instead to the Atlantic and slam into, say, North Carolina. People have been fired for less, such as when an accidental transmission from the Filled Developmental Prototype caused a sinkhole to swallow the National Corvette Museum in Kentucky recently. Our CEO owns three classic Corvettes and I can tell you that was a bad time, and we didn't want a repeat of that sort of incident. We had to learn to work fast yet continually meet and exceed our weekly meteorological inspections."
Powers was proud to say that they did exceed all of Arztubel's expectations, particularly in the two February blizzards that stretched part of the way into the Deep South. "The CEO himself bought a round of drinks for everyone in the Alaska offices the moment he started hearing weathermen say that the first storm 'came out of nowhere'. That's the kind of surprise that the U.S. military gives preferential treatment to in weather weapon research, and we hit that target several months ahead of schedule."
Then to follow up that snowstorm with another, Powers says, "Well, we weren't certain we could do it, but everyone was really jazzed after the success of the first storm, and HQ promised bonuses if we could pull it off again. So what can I say? The folks in the Alaskan offices did amazing work. That kind of result would have been impossible under the old federal intervention-happy HAARP. Tuesday's blizzard demonstrates the success of privatizing weather domination." Powers' eyes narrow. "That's not luck, that's commitment. We're thinking about making that our company motto."
Their work has been successful enough that they've been subcontracting some of their work to other countries. "The floods that are inundating large swaths of Britain are from a startup that's working out some kinks, but we have faith that they'll get things right by contract-signing time," Powers says. "And as far as the earthquakes that continue to happen near Fukushima are concerned, we say to the Japanese people: Please just be patient."
Powers acknowledges that HAARP has many critics, particularly those who believe that humans shouldn't be messing with the Earth's weather patterns. How does Arztubel feel about its detractors?
"Humanity is all about making innovations," Powers responds. "Granted there is a 1-in-7 chance of HAARP permanently savaging the planet's atmosphere and making Earth uninhabitable for any more advanced form of life than large multicellular bacteria, according to our consultants. But any business comes with risks."
Is there anything HAARP does that causes Powers to lose sleep?
"Not really," he answers confidently. "Although during the six months we were shut down last year, a lot of old 1950s TV broadcasts slipped through our net on their way to the stars." His voice lowers with what could be genuine regret. "I know that if any enemy alien civilizations invade Earth and annihilate humanity because they didn't like some Sid Caesar broadcast, I might never forgive myself."
The author would like to thank the U.S. Air Force for their generous cooperation in allowing this story, even if they did make him endure sixteen hours in radiological detox before allowing it to go to press.