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Danny Adams

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Your Secession Checklist [Nov. 15th, 2012|08:07 pm]
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Congratulations! You’ve successfully filed your petition with the White House to have your resident state secede from the United States of America. While we process and consider your request, here are some factors you should consider before proceeding:

  • DEFENSE: The majority of war materiel in your state is owned by the U.S. government. Begin considering who you wish to appoint as a negotiator to either (1) return the non-nuclear materiel to its rightful owner, or (2) arrange payments or trades for said materiel. Typically nuclear-related items are, by Pentagon and State Department protocols, non-negotiable unless the U.S.A. prefers to keep them on foreign territory to confront a clear and present danger. It will be safe for you to assume that the U.S.A. will want said nuclear items returned unless you hear otherwise from the U.S. Secretary of Defense. If you wish to make a “clear and present” case, however, the US SecDef will be open to appointments to discuss the matter.

    NOTE: THE UNITED STATES WILL NOT ENTER INTO ANY MUTUAL DEFENSE PACTS WITH SECEDED STATES LESS THAN ONE (1) YEAR POST-SECESSION.

    If this arrangement is agreeable to both federal and ex-state parties, defense negotiators may also mediate the handing over, trade, or sale of federal properties, including but not limited to buildings, national parkland, books and other media in federal repositories, etc. Post office equipment and Federal Reserve banks are especially up for negotiation.

  • FEDERAL CONTRACTING: All U.S. federal contracts with industries in your state will be considered null and void effective of the date of secession. The appropriate federal departments will welcome appointments with both public and private representatives if post-secession renewal of these contracts is desired, but preferences for commerce will, of course, be given to states that remained loyal to the union.

  • MONEY: Every state in the union receives federal money for items ranging from infrastructure to education, and as detailed above, defense, therefore secessionist governments will need to consider how to make up for the annual loss of these billions of federal dollars. Since February 2009, this has also included federal grants awarded to the various state and city governments along with private industries through the Recovery Act. For example, Texas has been awarded $16.805 billion in Recovery Act funding alone since Feburary ‘09.

    Likewise, fiscal representatives must take into account whether or not their state received more federal money than it paid in federal taxes. As of 2010, West Virginia, for example, annually pays $1,041 per capita in federal taxes but receives $11,609 in federal funds per capita. The seceded state government, again, will need to ensure an accounting for the shortfall.

    Our suggestions for making up for the lost funding include higher taxes and/or austerity measures.

    Federal funds for Social Security, Medicare, etc. will be turned over to each state government upon handshake assurances that the state will dole out the money wisely. Veterans’ benefits will continue to be paid by the federal government. If anyone from a seceded state wishes to serve in the U.S. military, they may do so as foreign auxiliary troops under an American commander.

  • PRE-SECESSION SAFE PASSAGE GUARANTEES: The United States will gladly grant safe passage to any U.S. soon-to-be non-citizen who wishes to move to a seceded state, and will expect the ex-states to allow similar safe passage into the U.S. No options will be taken off the table in order to prevent secessionists taking hostages.

  • POST-SECESSION VISITING AND IMMIGRATION TO THE UNITED STATES: Citizens in seceding states will need a federally-approved passport to enter the U.S.A. Those wishing to immigrate to the U.S.A. may apply for a visa and then follow the normal immigration procedures, including a seven-year naturalization waiting period except in cases of a “path to amnesty”.

  • ASSUMING OTHER NON-DEFENSE FEDERAL RESPONSIBILITIES: There are a host of other responsibilities that have now fallen on your state’s shoulders. These include but are not limited to interstate highway maintenance, coinage, foreign treaties and trade agreements (including with the U.S.), safety regulations, environmental regulations (or deregulations that do not annoy states your pollution flows into), etc. All of these are covered in more detail in our booklet “So You Think You Can Do A Better Job?”

  • SECESSION PRECEDENTS: Now that you have seceded, you will, of course, be kind to parts of your state that may wish to secede somewhere down the road.

    IN CONCLUSION, APPLICATIONS TO THE U.S. FOR FOREIGN AID WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED EARLIER THAN ONE (1) YEAR AFTER THE DATE OF SECESSION. PETITIONS FOR READMISSION TO THE UNITED STATES WILL BE ACCEPTED AT ANY TIME WITH THE CAVEAT THAT THERE IS NO GUARANTEE YOUR STATE WILL BE ALLOWED TO RETURN. CONSIDERATION OF SUCH PETITIONS WILL BE BASED SOLELY ON YOUR NEW COUNTRY’S RELATIONS WITH THE UNITED STATES GOVERNMENT POST-SECESSION AND THE STABILITY AND SANITY OF YOUR GOVERNMENT AT THE TIME OF THE REQUEST.

    If you have any questions, please feel free to call the White House’s secession hotline at 1-800-TRAITOR.

    This checklist is also available in Spanish.

    Have a nice day, and the White House wishes you good luck with your petition!

    --Danny Adams, descendant of Captain Samuel Burger, Confederate army (later a Reconstructed U.S. citizen), and Private Johann Heinrich Boerger, Hessian mercenary during the American Revolution (later a naturalized U.S. citizen).

  • LinkReply

    Comments:
    [User Picture]From: tdaschel
    2012-11-16 08:19 am (UTC)

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    fantastic !
    [User Picture]From: madwriter
    2012-11-16 11:55 pm (UTC)

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    Thanks! Just struck me as logical 'sall. :)
    [User Picture]From: prosodic
    2012-11-16 11:34 am (UTC)

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    LOL! This is amazing!
    [User Picture]From: madwriter
    2012-11-16 11:55 pm (UTC)

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    Thank you! And *icon love*.
    [User Picture]From: thetalkingmoose
    2012-11-16 01:29 pm (UTC)

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    Can I share on Facebook?
    [User Picture]From: madwriter
    2012-11-16 11:56 pm (UTC)

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    Go ahead--and it's over there too, posted as a Note.
    [User Picture]From: livejournal
    2012-11-16 01:45 pm (UTC)

    So you've decided on Secession

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    User grail76 referenced to your post from So you've decided on Secession saying: [...] SECEDED STATES LESS THAN ONE (1) YEAR POST-SECESSION. http://madwriter.livejournal.com/887941.html [...]
    [User Picture]From: grail76
    2012-11-16 01:58 pm (UTC)

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    Lovely.
    West Virginia came into being because it left Virginia during the Civil War. You have to wonder if, say Austin or Atlanta, wouldn't want to separate from Texas to stay part of the rest of the country.

    Edited at 2012-11-16 01:59 pm (UTC)
    [User Picture]From: madwriter
    2012-11-16 11:57 pm (UTC)

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    Austin already has a White House petition to secede from Texas and stay with the union. :)

    And for all the talk about Texas' state constitution reserving the right to secede, it primarily deals with different parts of Texas seceding from the state. (Four, if I remember right.)
    [User Picture]From: a_cubed
    2012-11-18 03:17 am (UTC)

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    IIRC, it simply states that Texas has a right to split into up to four separate states,within the US in order to increase their representation within the federal government, not a right to secede. Of course the cost ot each of running their own state legislatures etc. together with the loss of prestige for all federal and state politicians (would you rather be governor of Texas or of West Texas?) militate against anyone with political power following this up seriously.
    [User Picture]From: al_zorra
    2012-11-16 06:08 pm (UTC)

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    Re #1 in particular -- recall Fort Sumter, which CSA South Carolina insisted now R belong all them?

    Started the shooting war by shooting on the Fort then, April 12 and 13, 1861.

    That's what we can expect re #1 from secessionists. They weren't rational to start with, which is why they seceded. This time around they'd be no less irrational, so expect them to start lobbing missiles on the rest of the country. After all, as we also know from the history of the first secession, the goal is NOT to be left alone, but to take over all of it.

    Love, C.
    [User Picture]From: madwriter
    2012-11-16 11:57 pm (UTC)

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    I thought about that, but I didn't feel like addressing the whackjob elements right off the top.
    [User Picture]From: bardcat
    2012-11-17 01:28 am (UTC)

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    good stuff!
    [User Picture]From: Duane Toole
    2012-11-17 03:23 am (UTC)

    Ooooo. Nice touches.

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    I particularly like the little touches that liven this up, like "1-800-TRAITOR," and "Post office equipment and Federal Reserve banks are especially up for negotiation."

    I've seen several of these, but this one is certainly the best!

    Duane Toole
    [User Picture]From: handworn
    2012-11-17 05:45 pm (UTC)

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    I suspect that when they're counting federal funds per capita, they're including things like Medicare and Medicaid, which those states tend not to want but will take so long as they have to be part of the Union. Let's see federal funds per capita net of those things and then decide.
    [User Picture]From: madwriter
    2012-11-17 08:09 pm (UTC)

    As of 2010...

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    In WV particular, 16% is for Medicare. Unfortunately I didn't find an exact percentage for Social Security and federal benefits that include pensions, disability, and veterans' care, but by process of elimination it looks to be around 20%.

    My neighboring state ranks as high as it does because it had Robert Byrd as a representative for so many years, and Byrd was incredibly effective at getting federal money for WV. The flip side of that is that I'm pretty sure if they hadn't had Byrd doing this, they likely would've been overlooked by Washington more often than not. There's still quite a lot of overlooking going on there as it is, at least in Appalachian WV.
    [User Picture]From: handworn
    2012-11-17 08:50 pm (UTC)

    Re: As of 2010...

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    Speaking of old-line Democrats like Byrd, I was amazed recently to discover a fact rarely mentioned in history books: that Democrats controlled both houses of Congress for 27 years straight! From 1954 to 1981. It rather confounds a lot of today's sound bites and talking points.
    [User Picture]From: madwriter
    2012-11-19 03:03 pm (UTC)

    Re: As of 2010...

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    I'm surprised anybody's forgotten that at all...